Another step back

My poor baby Ryan had to go back on CPAP. He hates the CPAP device. It has this silicone triangle that fits over his nose. It has to be pulled tight against his face so that it can create enough pressure in his lungs. It has a harness that goes around his head to make it tight enough. It looks like a torture device. I was only able to be with him for 2 hours today and except for the 45 minutes I was holding him he was crying and fighting against the CPAP. I wish I could be there all day and night to hold him. He is so much more content when I am holding him.

Things a more or less the same with Ryan. His lungs still need help. He was breathing really fast and that is why they put him on CPAP because it makes it easier to breath. His breathing is still a little fast even on the CPAP. I asked the nurse if he would have to go back on the respirator if his breathing didn't slow down. She said he has to be showing more signs then fast breathing. If his heart rate is faster and showing signs of stress and if the oxygen level in his blood isn't good then they would look at putting him back on the vent. Right now both of those things are good and despite his fast breathing he is on less oxygen then he was on the high flow nasal canula.

They started his feedings again yesterday but it doesn't seem to be going well. I don't know how long they will keep trying the feedings this time. They don't want to force it because they said they could cause his digestive system to shut down if they force the feedings. It is so difficult, he only really has 2 issues right now and he can't seem to get past them. I know that he could be having many more problems and I should be thankful this is all he has wrong right now but it just breaks my heart that he is in distress. I wish I could fix it and make it better. That is a mothers job, take away the hurt for our babies. Not only can I not fix it for Ryan I can't fix it for my other boys. I took Andrew to Walmart tonight and he wanted to buy things for Ryan. He wanted to buy him clothes and a get well balloon, and it breaks my heart to tell him that Ryan doesn't need or can't have those things. I have bought him some clothes but I don't know how big he will be when he can wear clothes or even if he will ever wear clothes. I know that I shouldn't think like that but when I look at that tiny little boy having trouble breathing I can't help it.

Just so you all know, I am driving myself to Reno. It actually is a really nice time for me to be alone. I can listen to any music I want and sing as loud as I want or I can have quite time to think. I am off my pain meds so I don't have to worry about that but I have seem an unusual amount of police and highway patrol in the last week. I kind of feel like they are after me. There was even one in my neighborhood today pointing a radar gun at me. Of course I was speeding but he didn't come after me. I guess the Good Lord changed his mind. That's all I need is a speeding ticket!!

In closing please pray for Ryan's lungs and digestive system. I know that every one's prayers have gotten him this far and I know that we can bring him home with God's help.