Happy Birthday to me!

Yesterday was my birthday. Thanks to all who stopped by or called. Sorry I was not home, I was at the hospital. I had a rough birthday anyway. Ryan has an infection in his lungs. The doctor and nurse talked like it was no big deal and they started antibiotics so he should be better soon. It wasn't until the pharmacist came by and asked the nurse if they thought it was pneumonia and she said yes that I got concerned. All I can do is pray. I know God is with him, holding him and loving him but it is still hard to watch my tiny baby try to deal with all these things and not be able to help him. I went home yesterday emotionally drained and depressed. Today wasn't much better. I had to get up early and go to the doctor to have my incision checked. After seeing my doctor I went to the hospital to be with my baby. When we got there I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open. It is very warm in the NICU so that doesn't help when you are tired. Ryan seemed to be more bothered by our visit then comforted. He still isn't being fed. He still has a lot of mucus in his lungs. It was really more then I could deal with and we left the hospital after only about an hour and a half. I am not sure how I will be able to keep going and seeing him. It hurts so much that he is sick and no one can fix it. I feel like I need to be there with him and for him but touching him doesn't always help. It seems to cause him stress. I feel like I need to be watching him and letting the nurses know when he needs help but I can't be there all the time. My days are long and my night very short and I am so tired I am having trouble dealing with all of it. All I can do is pray for strength and peace. I am forgeting to lean on God and I am trying to deal on my own and I can't. I have to remember who is in control let go. I know that God did not bring this little boy into the world to die and I have to keep reminding myself that God will see us through.